Going Underground?

The underground seems to have a lot of unwritten rules that, if aren't followed, can turn into a very unfortunate train journey indeed.

This morning on my way in to work, it was the usual rush of people cramming themselves into a carriage so tight that, from the outside, it looks like some form of clown car with people piling in and out at their relevant stations. Fortunately I managed to get on first time at 8am....but got stuck right in the middle of the carriage so when my first exit came.... I couldn't get off. Luckily I have picked up the Londoners rude ways of not saying "excuse me" nice and politely, but barging through, my umbrella brandished in front of me as my only form of weapon. Now, this reminds me of those happy mums with pushchairs, ramming people's ankles if you get too close and forcing their way through the crowds of the bumbling underground. I have a theory ; most of these women have dolls in there. Not children. Maybe I should get a pram....

So, having managed to get off at Kings Cross, I knew the worst leg of the journey was yet to come .... The Hammersmith and City line at 8.25am. Kill me now. So I fought my way through the crowds, girls with pointy elbows jabbing into my sides and men with briefcases and backpacks swinging them around (I really am surprised there isn't a battle cry for the morning commuters) and missed 2 trains before finally managing to be one of the sardines on the 3rd train to go by. Eventually, 1 stop later I managed to squeeze past and make my way out. And whilst walking in the 'fresh' London air after this morning routine, it got me thinking about the etiquette of the tube.

When standing up in a packed train, people try their damned hardest to do a few things :
1. Whatever you do, do not catch other people's eye. It ends in an awkward battle of 'please don't think I'm weird' between the 2 of you so you admire their shoes instead 

2. Make everything as small as possible so as not to touch anyone  around you 

3. Read the metro over someone's shoulder and pray they don't catch you doing it 

4. Don't talk. Just. Don't. People will look at you like you are some form of alien. The one time I spoke to someone on the tube when first moving to London I regretted it hugely!! That's a story for another time.... 

5. Don't smile at people. Everyone on the tube has a thought in common "I would rather be anywhere else right now" so yay for the grumps that know they are all thinking that, yet won't acknowledge it

I'm not entirely sure which I prefer ---morning trains or the last tube home which is packed full of drunken, loud, obnoxious men who think they are gods gift to women.

Last Christmas on the tube home from a party, I bumped into one of these men. In a bright Christmas jumper no less who decided it would be a good idea to start singing Fairytale of New York down the train at me. I say 'at me' because I kept my head down and wished more than anything that I had my headphones!! As he threw himself down next to me I had to endure a 20 minute journey of trying to not throw up from the vile smell coming from his breath where he had clearly projectile vomited somewhere recently, make up a fake name and number and finally had to run away at my stop because he thought it was a good idea to try and walk me home. Now that, you lovely gentlemen, is how to woo a girl.

There are many weird and wonderful stories I could tell you but I fear I may be here all day. As I sit on the tube now with 2 more stops to go. All I can think is "thank you Big G for the invention of vino"